People reference the “terrible twos,” but parents know that there isn’t exactly an age cap. Difficult early childhood behaviors do begin around the one-and-a-half- to two-years-old mark, but they can extend even later into development.
Certainly, they are present for many children navigating preschool for the first time. Most behaviors, even when they feel extreme to the parent dealing with them, are normal and manageable at home.
In this article, we take a look at what types of behaviors to look out for and how to address them when they come up.
Anxiety
Anxiety is a very natural feeling for children around the three- to four-year-old marker, particularly as they begin school for the first time.
For many preschool-aged children, this is their first experience leaving the house for extended periods of time without their parents—even if your child has been going to a daycare or staying with a grandparent while you work during the days.
Preschool is still going to be a very different environment. It’s more structured and asks more of them in the form of learning. The alphabet might not stress you out today, but once upon a time—who knows—it probably did.
Anxiety is a normal and acceptable response to these new adjustments and doesn’t even require much in the way of support unless it begins impacting their ability to function.
A three- or four-year-old feeling a little worried as they get dressed for school is one thing. Crying, throwing themselves on the ground, trying to run away from teachers is another.
You can support your child at home by discussing their feelings and helping to teach them more productive coping mechanisms, such as deep breaths and mindfulness behaviors. Make sure you also contact your school.
They will have a specific and effective response in place for kids who are dealing with anxiety.
Most schools, for example, have a social worker on hand who will be able to meet with your child and discuss their feelings. The social worker may have more experience dealing with these particular issues.
Aggression
Aggression is a preschool-age emotion that is normal and even healthy in the appropriate context. If your three- or four-year-old child has a sibling, you’ve probably already watched them express anger through bickering or even hitting.
No parent likes to see this, but it is on the typical end of the behavior spectrum. The child is both exploring boundaries and learning how to problem-solve. Unfortunately, they just started on the “here’s what not to do” end of the equation.
At home, you can help your child deal with inappropriate expressions of anger—again through coping mechanisms and by walking them through what happened and identifying moments where things went wrong.
Add a restorative justice element to the disciplinary action if you would like. Bring in the victimized child and allow them to participate in the conversation in whatever way feels appropriate.
This may feel like a lot to throw at a three- or four-year-old, but it connects their actions with the results in a concrete way.
They understand that they hurt their big sister and that if they had done this instead of that, they wouldn’t have.
If aggressive behaviors are happening at school, it’s a bit more serious. In this case, you’ll probably hear from your child’s preschool pretty quickly to address the problem.
It’s very easy for parents to feel stressed or overwhelmed when the school is constantly contacting them about their child’s behavior.
Understand, at least, that these communications are well-intended and that your goal ultimately aligns with the goals of the school.
Advocate for your child in whatever way feels right, but understand that the school intends to be your ally in this process.
They will, again, have services designed to help make it more navigable to you. Take advantage.
Defiance
Defiance is easily one of the most frustrating preschool-age emotions to deal with. It’s another example of the child exploring their boundaries.
They want to know what they can get away with. They also hope to establish as much autonomy as possible. This is a natural and even healthy desire, but when it takes the form of them stomping their foot or planting their butt to the ground in the middle of a grocery aisle because you didn’t buy sugary cereal, it becomes a problem.
It’s also the behavior that most consistently tests a parent’s patience because it’s so unreasonable.
If your child is exhibiting defiant behaviors, understand first of all that this is usually a relatively short-term developmental stage.
It doesn’t feel that way at the time, but it’s true. It’s also one that you’ll make incremental progress on, typically through being consistent in your consequences and expectations and by constantly re-evaluating what you’re asking of the child. Is it actually reasonable to expect them not to do X over Y?
It’s always important to keep in mind that preschoolers have very limited coping skills. Your job is always to help them deal with complicated emotions in a way that is both productive and socially acceptable.
Once again, defiance in the classroom is a bigger issue than defiance at home. Your child’s educator will have good ways of dealing with it.
Almost certainly, yours will not be the most defiant child they’ve come across. Still, messaging is once again simple: if your child is being defiant at school, work with your school’s education team as much as you can to help correct the problem.
Lack of Focus
A lack of focus is typical for most preschoolers, but it becomes a problem when it becomes a barrier to learning.
Most preschool teachers are fairly used to dealing with students who have a very limited attention span.
If you are consistently hearing reports that your child won’t sit down during desk work times or struggles to pay attention to instructions, it might be worth mentioning to your doctor or family nurse practitioner. It is possible that medications may be required to help them increase their focus.
Most times, though, this is neither necessary nor ideal. The child will just need to adjust to the requirements of focused, structured learning and slowly build their attention span through repetition.
Understand that most, if not all, of the behaviors we’ve described in this article will improve with time—usually on their own. Studying psychology in the context of early childhood behaviors will certainly help you speed up the process and also optimize it in the best possible way.
More than anything else, know that what your child is doing is normal and probably even healthy. It may feel challenging, but no one ever said that parenting is easy. You’ve got this.
